


love? can you help me feel?

by mossy_sunflower



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:34:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28309809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mossy_sunflower/pseuds/mossy_sunflower
Summary: just a long poem of my feelings





	1. :)

**Author's Note:**

> this is forever updating, idk if I'll add other chapters

I often cry myself asleep thinking bout you, in late nights in the middle of June, you've just been stuck up in my heart after you wormed yourself inside. I don't know what to do but maybe I like that feeling of you inside my heart  
maybe that's the reason I'm so kind to you, you've always treated me better than I treat myself and I appreciate the effort. but I don't even know why you do? I've told you my insecurities and my feelings but you still stick around, we have different views on gender and sexuality but yet we're still best friends  
it's just confused me how you're treated differently when you're literally so nice and you're my world, like you make me feel so happy and I don't know how to process it. the moons shine bright across your beautiful eyes and skin and it makes my heart flutter, everytime Im with you I wish to die inside your arms just so I could be held  
held, ah that's what I wish for, to be able to let my guard down n tear down my walls so I let people in. the mirrors turn away at the sight of me and it ruins me, but you're always there able to lift up my confidence with the sound your words and that makes me better  
the road shimmers during the heatwaves brought from the sun, dehydration is pretty bad and I don't want you dying from it. I'm swimming in a pool of hope but all im getting is drowned, I just wish for you to come love me one day. I don't know why I'm writing this, as I think of no one, as I've built my walls so tight that I scream and break skin trying to tear them down but maybe one day someone is able to get past those doors that I keep locked up tight and not hurt my like the others..  
you got me fucking messed up and I don't know how to feel it with my lack of sympathy and empathy, but I just wish the best for you and everyone else of my friends who are like my absolute family  
cause ghost and ghouls are wrapping my head, but I really ain't down to fall asleep right now. I'd rather stay up thinking your beautiful smile and your beautiful face and about everything that has something to do with you  
you set me on fire with every text message you send me, is this what it's like to be in love? cause if so I don't want it to go away, it's warm inside and cosy. I've made myself comfortable, just like you have made yourself inside my dangerous cave of pain and emotion, but with every walk you take inside that cave it turns into flourishing petals and water. you pray to the god that you call jesus whilst I pray the moons and waters for your love to come swooping in at every late night talk that we have. i just wish you could help me feel the way I want to feel, but you don't feel the same attraction that I do, you're cishet while I'm he/they and biromantic. if I could feel love that is, but hopefully with your soft embrace and kisses that I long for you can help me figure that out. maybe it's the fact that we have similar interests and that I'm mistaking this cold and different feeling for something else, Id rather hope not as you mean alot to me and id hate to lose you by just saying the wrong things, I know you're in love with someone else and would never love me and that pains me to write but it's very true. I love you and it hurts.you're the space girl to my lunar eclipse, I can't look at you or I'll turn bright red due to your beauty and your vibes man. I don't know if anyone else can say the same about me or you but I hope that maybe you can be the one person that i can love wholeheartedly, to give a soft embrace or a place to stay, or maybe even a couple soft kisses in the bright early sunshine while we make pancakes. you give me enough energy to keep going in this shit hole we call life. rather sleep than stay awake except I'd rather have you in my dreams than the sea lapping at my feet that are dug into the sand as moon jellies float above the water, as the nightmare repeats with myself dying or killing. but whenever you're there you always make those nightmares turn into dreams that I wish to never wake up from. now I'm quite the lemon boy of the citrus kind, I don't understand why you decide to hang around with such a sour kind, your friends arent the fans of lemon pie, they all want you to pull me out and toss me away like a weed but you don't, why? god I get so excited for those Sunday nights, just to be able to text you again. i don't know why I'm so excited, I use my wattpad book like a diary and all I write in it is about you, fuck. was this your plan all along? maybe this is all wrong to send to you, did I mess up? will I mess up our friendship if I send you this? what would you think of me after this? would you hate me? would you.. like me too? now I'm dreading that Sunday night rather than get excited, I'm so damn nervous to speak with you again, I sent you the link, you know of this book.I just got really bad anxiety and I don't even know why. there's nothing to be nervous about, I guess im nervous about you finding out about this, about my feelings even though I don't understand them myself, I deleted the message of the links. i deleted messages of me talking about it, I can't let you know and I'm sorry god I fucked up so bad, I sent you the link again, you told me how you felt, you didn't feel the same but you also told me that it was because I was afab. that it was against your religion, that hurt so much. that hurt my bones, my life. i cared so much for you, I was so nervous but eager to meet you again only to be told that, that truly hurts, so much. i don't even want to talk anymore, I want to just drop off the face of the earth, maybe then you would care

you really turned my stone hard n harsh heart into a nice summer breeze in July before you turned it back into stone. i loved you, and I haven't felt love in years. it hurt so much and it still does, whenever I hear that song it reminds me of you but I can't stop listening and feeling my heart long for you. it pleads for your love but sadly you don't feel the same way about me and I'm stuck a miserable mess again. do you still love him? is that another reason why you couldn't love me? when I'm talking with you now, it feels like I'm drowning under ice, begging to be let out but the water is welcoming. i want to show my platonic love but I'm afraid. do you know JUST what you're doing to me when you "kiss" me? you know every way to get under my skin,to piss me off. are you doing this on purpose? cause if anything I'm feeling like the bright dangerous embers coming from a volcano that's waiting to erupt whilst you're just a small human sitting too close to the edge, if you're not careful you might get burnt.

god I miss you so much it hurts, I feel like I can't function without you fuck. I've dug myself too deep into this, how do I get out? i don't know how to get out, I miss you so bad and I know you'll be back soon. fuck..

i dont know what to type anymore. i planned my suicide yet all i thought was you and i couldnt fall through, valentines is next month and i know ill be alone for once while you'll probably have someone, all we will ever be is best friends, no one else. not ever. you dont see me the way i see you and its crushing me deep inside, thats why i keep up my tough and sour facade but when im really a sweet and soft kind of cake that im sure you love to enjoy, is this a lovers to enemies arc or a enemies to lovers? Do not enter is carved into the bark that blocks off my heart, it wards everyone away except you, you always stay

there i go again overthinking and overexaggerating the situation. my inner thoughts tell me its not worth the progress ive made of opening up and that i should keep it inside. my inner thoughts remind me that no matter how much progress i make, ill still be locked inside the place i once believed to be welcoming, now its cold and the spiders crawl around. my inner thoughts remind me that maybe i should just end it all, just to for once end the ever suffering pain ill go through, to be constantly reminded that ill fuck it up and everyone will leave me, leave me in the husk of someone i one knew. i look in the mirror and i dont know whos looking back anymore, i dont feel human. i struggle to open up since i feel like a burden, but lets be honest, i am a burden, im worthless and useless. why do you let me stay? why do you keep me? for a sick pleasure? do you enjoy this?

i miss you. i found someone to love but he has strict parents, it's been a week or more now. I've lost track of time, I've felt so hopeless without you. i didn't think you being gone would affect me so much.. goddamn. I've been depersonalization more, worrying that you may hate me. that you may be going behind my back even when I know it's not true. I'm just scared of being hurt. I'm scared of those thick unbreakable walls being put up again, I'm scared of having my wings ripped off like a fox catching a chicken. I've finally got freedom, please... I've finally got my wings back.. don't let it all go..

im back again to this damned book i never let go of. i've come to confess my sins, to confess the blood on my hands. my readers, have you ever wanted to kill someone? to stab their body so much that they dont even utter a sound? to fill their body full of bullet holes until theres nothing left? i have these thoughts, these daydreams. they all consist of me hurting someone in someway. intrusive thoughts i think, some might call me crazy or batshit insane for even thinking about this but. damn, i want to know the fear, the thrill, the warm feeling of blood on my hands. i want to feel it, but never act on it. may your journey reading this book be a carnival ride, fuckers.

I'm tired of existing. every day goes by so quick, I don't remember much of it anyway. my hands constantly itch to drag my nails across my skin, to pull my hair or to hit myself in the head. my mind screams at me, telling me they all hate me. that no one is my friend, that im a worthless nobody. that my boyfriend hates me. that im some crazy bitch. it's pushing me to my edge, I just hope it doesn't push me over the ledge. help me


	2. I'm sorry

I'm sorry to everyone who reads this. I'm sorry to my friends and my family. I'm sorry to people I've spoken with. I'm afraid this might be my last message, this battle Im fighting is harder than I would admit. i loved you all alot, I promise but I can't keep taking pills, I can't keep living like this. it hurts, so much. i love you all. i promise. I'm sorry, goodbye to everyone I knew


End file.
